Why Parenting Feels So Lonely: The Deep-Rooted Challenges of Modern Parenthood
Scientifically reviewed by Rose Perry, Ph.D.
Loneliness and isolation are common experiences during the transition to parenthood, with parents reporting some of the highest levels of loneliness in the U.S. Research suggests the root causes of parent loneliness are deeply embedded in society and culture. By understanding these deeper causes, we can more effectively give parents the support they need and deserve.
Highlights:
Loneliness is a common experience among parents.
Humans have evolved to raise children together cooperatively.
Societal and cultural norms, expectations, and stigma can increase parent loneliness.
Creating communities of connection that emphasize recognition, empathy, and understanding can help reduce parent loneliness.
It may seem ironic that a new parent, who has just welcomed a new child into their life, would feel lonely. Yet, feelings of loneliness and isolation are common during the transition to parenthood. In fact, parents and caregivers have some of the highest rates of loneliness. A 2021 survey of adults in the U.S. found that 65% of parents were lonely, compared to 55% of non-parents. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic heightened social isolation, parent loneliness rates were high, with one study reporting that 32% of parents of young children were always or often lonely compared to 18% of adults overall.
Loneliness is more than just an unpleasant feeling; it’s a serious public health concern, as acknowledged by the U.S. Surgeon General. Research shows that loneliness and isolation can negatively impact physical health and mental health, increasing risks for various conditions, such as cardiovascular disease, stroke, depression, and anxiety. These physical and mental health risks may be especially high for new parents who face the added stress of raising a child, especially for those who lack adequate support.
So, what makes the transition to parenthood such a lonely time?
A Whirlwind of Changes
Research shows that loneliness is often associated with major life transitions, and few are as life-changing as becoming a parent [1]. Although having a child is a time of joy and excitement, it can also be tumultuous and unpredictable. Even in the best of circumstances, the transition to parenthood brings about intense biological, psychological, behavioral, and social changes that can last months—or even years—after birth [2] .
As new parents adjust, they experience dramatic changes in their routines, relationships, responsibilities, and roles. Naturally, priorities shift to focus on the child, typically leaving less time and energy for other relationships, like friends or co-workers. Studies show that when people become parents, their social circles shrink significantly, which increases the likelihood that new parents will feel lonely, isolated, and disconnected [3]. For instance, one study found that 80% of young mothers met their friends less often after having their child. Another study found that 20% of fathers lost close friends within the first year of becoming a parent.
New parents also experience a seismic shift in their identity, as their sense of self becomes largely defined by parenting duties. After all, the transition to parenthood entails not only the birth of a child, but also the birth of the parent. Not surprisingly then, new parents often feel disconnected, estranged, and even alienated from not only their previous relationships but also their previous identities. This shift can spark feelings of isolation, loneliness, and even depression [4].
While some loneliness may naturally result from the whirlwind of changes that parents face as they transition to parenthood, research suggests that the root causes of loneliness that make it so prevalent among parents today are deeply embedded in society and culture.
Uncovering Root Causes of Parent Loneliness
Nature never intended for a parent to raise their children alone. The old adage ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ holds more truth than we may realize—it’s actually supported by empirical evidence. Research from the fields of anthropology and evolutionary biology in both humans and non-human primates shows that the duties of parenting and caregiving extend beyond the mother or father. Throughout history, communities of caregivers have shared the responsibilities of child-rearing, with the extended family, neighbors, and friends providing essential support to new parents. In fact, as anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy argues in her book Mothers and Others, humans have actually evolved to raise children together cooperatively. And, moreover, this cooperative caregiving is not just helpful, it’s essential for the health and survival of both the child and mother [5].
In support of this evolutionary hypothesis, we can still see this cooperative approach to caregiving in modern-day hunter-gatherers, who represent the closest approximation to what life was like for our ancestors. In many of these societies, it’s the norm for infants to be raised by several people other than the mother or father, including relatives and non-relatives. Among the Aka people of Central Africa, for instance, an infant has roughly 20 different caregivers who cooperatively perform parenting duties, even breastfeeding [6].
In contrast, today’s parents in modern, Western societies are left to navigate parenthood largely on their own. In the U.S. and other individualistic countries, cultural norms and values place much of the responsibility on the individual, with the expectation that the mother is primarily—if not solely—responsible for raising the child. This cultural norm is enshrined in the idea of the ‘traditional’ nuclear family, with the male breadwinner and the female homemaker. Yet, as it turns out, research on cooperative caregiving shows that the ‘traditional’ nuclear family is not the traditional family structure at all—it actually conflicts with the communal and cooperative nature of caregiving for which we have evolved [7]. Perhaps then, it’s not merely a coincidence that the U.S. reports some of the highest rates of parental burnout in the world, where two-thirds of parents report feeling isolated and lonely due to the demands of parenting.
Feelings of isolation, loneliness, and burnout are further fueled by the pressure to be the ‘perfect’ parent. Parents routinely report that societal and cultural expectations, which emphasize high performance standards and self-reliance, contribute to their stress. These expectations are perpetuated on social media, where carefully curated content only shows the bright side of parenthood. Such idealized expectations rarely conform to reality, meaning that most parents are not able to live up to these unrealistic standards. Falling short of these ideals, parents are more likely to internalize this as a failure on their part, and make negative self-judgments about their inadequacy of being a ‘good’ parent. Indeed, parents often cite the mismatch between their expectations and the reality of parenthood as a root cause of their loneliness [8].
Unrealistic societal expectations around parenthood also drive others to judge parents. As a result, parents often navigate their daily lives with the fear of being judged by others as an inadequate or ‘failing’ parent, which can trigger feelings of exclusion and loneliness, and even potentially cause depression. Understandably, parents are likely to self-silence and self-isolate as a means of protecting themselves from harsh judgments. Oftentimes, for instance, mothers will withdraw from other people or avoid social encounters altogether [4]. And even when they do engage with others, mothers often feel that they must hide their ‘negative’ feelings, like those of loneliness and depression, which only further exacerbates these emotions [9].
To make matters worse, parents must also contend with societal stigma attached to experiencing health issues like depression and loneliness. This stigma not only increases the likelihood of parents hiding their loneliness and depression for fear of being judged by others, but also elicits feelings of shame and guilt [9]. In turn, this creates a vicious cycle in which feelings of loneliness trigger feelings of shame and guilt, which further trigger feelings of loneliness.
Altogether, the fear of stigma and judgment prevents parents from making authentic and meaningful connections with others, leaving them feeling alienated and disconnected.
What’s more, these feelings are amplified for many marginalized and minority parents, such as immigrants, people of color, and people experiencing financial strain or poverty, who face the double burden of stigma and discrimination associated with their social status [9].
At the same time, societal stigma also means that other people, such as friends and family, don’t talk to parents about these issues. Thus, stigma perpetuates a lack of recognition, understanding, and empathy. Consequently, parents don’t receive the social support they need— the support that we have evolved to rely on.
How Can We Give Parents the Support They Need?
The bottom line is that cooperative and supportive social relationships are essential to raising a child—and society and communities should be structured to make this possible. Research shows that social support during the transition to parenthood has a profound impact on the health and wellbeing of not only parents but also the child. For instance, mothers and fathers with low social support are roughly twice as likely to develop depression [10, 11]. Likewise, higher social support during and after pregnancy is associated with higher child cognitive ability at eight years of age [12].
One simple way anyone can offer support to parents is by acknowledging the unique challenges of parenthood, and showing empathy. Parents often cite a lack of recognition of parenting difficulties and a lack of empathic connections as causes of their loneliness [8]. Research suggests that empathic, non-judgmental connections enable parents to openly express their struggles and negative emotions without fear of being judged. Such open and inclusive spaces give parents the comfortability and opportunity to communicate their needs and ask for support. At the same time, these spaces increase awareness, understanding, and empathy, so that other people are better equipped to give parents the support they need.
Ultimately, we need to shift our cultural norms and narratives to support rather than silence parents. We can do this by recognizing and normalizing the difficulties of parenting, validating and legitimizing parents’ feelings and experiences, and de-stigmatizing issues like loneliness and depression. Having open and authentic conversations about these issues is a step in the right direction. But changes in healthcare practice and policy are also crucial.
Studies show that trusted healthcare providers who validate parents’ challenges and feelings can reduce parent loneliness [9]. Healthcare workers can recognize and validate parenting issues by using social health screenings to identify issues like loneliness and isolation, and provide referrals to organizations and resources that support parents.
Likewise, healthcare systems can partner with community-based organizations to create and embed communities of connection for parents through peer support programs. Notably, one study found that a staggering 79% of parents said that they would value a way to connect with other parents who share similar lived experiences. And, as research suggests, peer support programs may be one of the most important ways to reduce parent loneliness, and may also lead to reductions in depression, anxiety, stress, and improve overall health and wellbeing [9, 13, 14].
Arguably, the biggest way to recognize, validate, and support parents is through policy. Historically, the work of parenting has been taken for granted and rarely ever recognized as “real” work, which is reflected in a lack of supportive policies. This leaves parents not only feeling excluded, devalued, isolated, and lonely, but also at higher risk for severe health issues and even death. The U.S. has some of the highest rates of maternal mortality and morbidity in the industrialized world. And these rates are disproportionately higher for people of color. The U.S. is also the only high-income country in the world that does not have a national paid parent leave policy. Likewise, access to affordable, high-quality postpartum care lags far behind other industrialized countries.
As a society, we direct most of our attention and resources to supporting the baby. But parents need support too, especially since a child’s health depends directly on their parents’ health. This is why it is imperative that all parents have access to affordable, comprehensive childcare, healthcare, and support resources, such as paid parental leave.
Becoming a parent may be a lonely, isolating, and stressful experience. But it doesn’t always have to be. There is a lot we can and should do—as individuals and as a society—to make it easier. It’s time we recognize the struggles of parenting and give parents the support they need.
Cite this article:
Braren, S. H. (2024, November 1). Why Parenting Feels So Lonely: The Deep-Rooted Challenges of Modern Parenthood. The Creature Times, Social Creatures. https://www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/why-parenting-feels-lonely-deep-rooted-challenges-of-modern-parenting
In-text References
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